The past month as been filled with appointments and I realize now it was exhausting, although at the time I thought it was just a little bit of extra running around. The month of September had me in Montreal five times and Kingston twice; PET scan, Ct scan, Renal function test and consultations with radiation specialist, surgeon and oncologists. This many medical days bring mixed feelings. I am reminded of Haiti and the people there with cancer and so very few options, and I feel both grateful for and yet humbled by my excessive use of the medical system. The flurry of tests and appointments came on like a fast storm...I didn't see it coming and it hit hard. I should have, in hindsight realized that when we said (in July) let's give it the summer and decide in the fall that deciding would mean a lot more than just one visit with my oncologist.
I think what also made it so exhausting was the decision making. Decision making has always been hard for me, a source of a lot of stress and sleeplessness. I have been on a fact gathering mission, striving to ensure I have not overlooked any possibility for treatment options. Then pooling all the information together and deciding, which we did last Thursday, the 12th. Now that we have decided on a treatment plan and I have a clear course of action for the next few months I feel my shoulders relaxing and me letting go of all the tension I was holding in my body. I am sitting outside this morning, watching the sun rise, and am reminded that each morning is a gift. The gift of a fresh start, a new day. I close my eyes and feel the sun shinning on me...I breath deep...breathe in hope, breath out the old. Let go, begin new. I feel calm now, peace in trusting that God has this, I only need step out into the new day he has given me.
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| My thinking place by the river |
Medically speaking I have 2 new tumors, they are not large but they sit in a tricky place - one at the head of my pancreas, tucked in behind the duodenum and one is hugging my aorta. Good news is they are slow growing. My options were: surgery with the risk of losing half the pancreas and duodenum, radiation with a high risk of permanently damaging my bowel, or chemotherapy to control but not eradicate the tumors. This is where I am practicing the art of letting go. I have always gone for the maximum treatment, as is my nature to go for it all. I am a charger in life, I take it by the horns. The river trips taught me a lot about letting go. Holding life with soft hands, not clenched fists. If I am clenching my fists around something, it hurts a lot when it's being taken from me but if my hands are soft, things can be taken away easily, but also....very important...new things can come in. Fluid strength. Fierce grace. Perhaps the grace should be upper case right now. Fierce GRACE. Letting go. So something new can come in.
We choose the gentle chemo, it's called V16. I will take a pill, it's easy, no trips to hospitals, minimal side effects, no down time in life. The goal is the chemo pill will keep the tumors stable, prevent more growth. Literally, this is an option I can live with. And live well. There is potential it can keep the tumors stable for a year or two. When it stops working we can still look at the riskier options.
The last 48 hours have been a time of reconciliation within me, perhaps that is why there have been no words in my head. A good friend sat and talked with me recently and she helped me more than she probably knows. She heard my words, she was honest about what she saw in me, both past and now. My husband has walked every step of this journey beside me. My children have all become strong yet gentle and wise people through this journey. I am blessed.
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