Last Time Round (my poem)

Last Time Round

It's on my heart, all the time,
I think it almost every other second.
It's not a weight bearing down,
more like a balloon that lifts me,
a bit higher than I was on my own.

Do you see it floating there just above me?
Did you know you have the same balloon?
Just maybe you don't see it,
don't feel it's tug.
maybe you covered it up, but it's still there.

What if this is the last time?
This is the thought that is with me
every moment in all I do
and it's a gift from God, this thought,
like a balloon that tugs at me.

my last time to wrap a gift to give,
my last time to prepare a meal for those I love
Like a carnival ride that is closing down
this is the last time round folks.
Now how good is the ride?

You know the ride will circle around,
at least a few more times.
But you've heard the call,
last time round....
It will stop, sometime soon.

Now how do the trees look, blowing in the breeze?
Will you notice the clouds white in the blue sky,
the child laughing behind you, the father beside.
The sun, it warms your face
and your heart swells as you breath it all in deep.

Did the ride become so much more
when you heard the words last time round.
Now will you let the thought,
"what if this is the last time",
be the balloon that lifts you a bit more.

Teresa Bell
6:30am Christmas Eve Day 2014

Walk with me

This morning I could not sleep...2am get a glass of milk...3am eat some cereal...4am give up and get up.  I make a cup of coffee and peel apples, prepping two pans of apple crisp for today as a surprise for my kids and the staff at work.  Still not sleepy, couldn't think of anything else to do, so I put on my jacket and went into the office.  Driving in, I was thinking of the year end paperwork I could get done.

As usually happens when I am away from my desk, magically there appears an assortment of papers and things to do that was not there when I left.  I start sorting the pile;  magazine that goes into the recycle, bubble wrap package with my name on it that is probably a book I ordered for a Christmas gift.  I open it and it gets more interesting..there is a smallish box and card inside.

My parents always insisted - open the card first.  It's a Christmas card, a lovely card signed by someone I don't know.  Now this is getting good - I'm smiling and super curious.  Taped inside is another envelope.  I open the end and peek in - lined paper with hand writing on it.  Wow!  nothing is more intriguing than that.  I fully focus on the moment as I unfold the sheets and take it in...pretty handwriting, in paragraphs with indents - a true letter.  I begin reading....

I have cancer.  I'm not unique in that.  Many, many people have cancer.  I never meant to share my story publicly, its just kinda happened.  A little here, a little there.  Doors opened and I said yes.  And the sharing of my story has become the miracle I prayed for.  I thought I was praying for a cure, but God gave me something even better.  He gave my life this purpose; he gave me a chance to reach out and help someone else.

Back to the letter....it's from a woman I didn't know before, but I do now.  She too has this rare cancer called liposarcoma.  She too has felt alone, scared, afloat without much hope or support from the medical community, lacking information and yet, she desires to live her life fully.  She wrote to tell me about herself.  She shared that she found my story, my writings and it helped her.  That it gave her hope and strength.

“When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else." ~ Iyanla Vanzant ~ this quote shared with me by Mike and Bonnie Lang on a Survive and Thrive expedition.  

I'm just a small grain of sand in this world.  When I think of the big problem cancer is, it can seem that it needs a big solution.  And so I want to ask "God, why don't you do something?"  There have been and still are so many people who touch my life, each one helping me find the answer to this question.  The song "Do Something" by Matthew West best describes the answer.

So, I shook my fist at Heaven

Said, "God, why don't You do something?"

He said, "I did, I created you"

If not us, then who

If not me and you

Listen here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_RjndG0IX8 
or read the lyrics here http://www.metrolyrics.com/do-something-lyrics-matthew-west.html

I prayed and I asked the Lord to use my life for a greater purpose. I promised I would give the control over to him but that I would need help hearing, knowing, understanding what he had planned for me. I would open my hands and let him place in them the gifts he had meant for me, and it might be hard to accept them.  Because sometimes those gifts don't look so pretty.  This morning these gifts look very beautiful indeed.  This letter, the words she took the time to write and mail, the connection across the miles has me thinking of the ways I have been connected with others through these cancer years, the way it has worked change in my life, seeing how my kids have grown up through it, hearing others say they live a little happier today, knowing without a doubt how much the people in my life mean to me, the trust and love I have for my husband, the chance to feel others support, to give help, to receive help, to walk with others, to take their hand...life is good and God is great.

Dear R, your gesture meant more than my words can express.  I am sorry I have not posted more about the specifics of my cancer care recently, I did not realize that others may be wondering.  I will write more in another blog after I look up the details from my reports.  The short story is I am doing very well.  I have tumors in my abdomen but currently we have stopped them from growing.  I took 5 cycles of Trabectadin in the fall (a chemo given over 24 hours, every 3 weeks) and a CT scan in November showed stable, that there was almost no growth in tumor size.  I feel good, very good.  And I look forward to connecting with you more.