Paths

This has been on my heart since Sunday, and I feel so compelled to share it this morning, despite the fact I have a zillion things to do (sorry work, sorry cleaning).

Last Sunday I went to Church, arriving early to drop off some Step & Fetch materials to the pastor and found myself feeling very at odds.  I didn't feel like sitting down yet, I felt unsettled and found myself drawn to the outdoors.  So, out I sent, strolled across the parking lot and saw a walking path I didn't know existed.  Afterwards I learned it is a popular walking area.  I crossed through some brush and the first thing I encountered was the train tracks.

My first instinct was to sit down on the tracks, right on the wooden beams at the crossing, and stare down the tracks towards an imaginary oncoming train.  I was contemplating how my cancer compared to an unseen but oncoming sometime train.  Fortunately at that  moment someone came along on their own walk and since I did not want to look like a suicide attempt I strolled past the tracks, said good morning and moved on.  How good it was that simple single interruption occurred (God does work in such simple ways at times).

What I saw next changed a lot of what I had been thinking.  The past weeks of tests, appointments and decisions had me very focused on my cancer.  And focused on the train that I know is out there but I still can't see.  But God simply turned my eyes away from that and showed me a path.  And as I stepped out on that path, it quickly split into many paths.  Choices.  One path went hard right, one went hard left and one in middle dipped down into a darker tree covered area.  Many paths, all for me to pick from.  And I don't think any of them were bad, just different.  Ah hah moment! 

I choose the dark tree covered path to explore.  Explore is a good word because I was not sure that was the path I wanted but I was curious if it led to the water.  What I encountered surprised me - at the end someone was living there - a home of sorts was set up, a fairly looking tent type home.  I weighed my curiosity vs. respect for this persons space and did not further inspect, but instead walked to the side to the waters edge to view the shore for a moment.

Then I went back the path I had came.  Ah hah!  The path I choose I did not have to stay on, I was just exploring that path and I could go back and try another.  Perhaps this was my lesson in my oncoming train - it was okay that I had explored that path for a few days, but it did not take me to a place I belonged - and I had the option to go back and try another path.  Oh, God is good.  Many paths, all for me to explore and choose.

As I walked back to church I noticed some areas were wide open, meadows with lots of space and room.  Some were narrow and well trodden by many.  Some like the one I explored dipped down and was dark for a while.  Many paths, all different. 

The last thing I noticed was that at times there were other people on the paths.  Some I nodded to (I am sure the owner of the tent home passed me and he gave me the most respectful silent nod of his head) and others I stopped to chat with.  We are not on our paths alone.

Many lessons learned walking the path that morning.  It set my heart at ease, I am feeling both peace and freedom. 

I took some pictures of the paths, as I wanted to remember how I felt and what I thought, which I will share  here with you too.

God Bless,
Teresa

Train track, where I was going to sit, and contemplate this view

 

Many paths for me

...it dipped down, and got darker...
 

Letting Go

I have been noticing I have not been writing this blog in my head...that is different for me.  Usually I am writing, editing, thinking some more and re-writing in my head long before I start at the keyboard.  But this time, strangely, my mind has been very quiet.  Where is the processing? the pondering?  Why do I sit here this morning with no pre-conceived notion of what I will write?  I have no idea, so I shall just start and see where it goes :) 

The past month as been filled with appointments and I realize now it was exhausting, although at the time I thought it was just a little bit of extra running around.  The month of September had me in Montreal five times and Kingston twice; PET scan, Ct scan, Renal function test and consultations with radiation specialist, surgeon and oncologists. This many medical days bring mixed feelings.  I am reminded of Haiti and the people there with cancer and so very few options, and I feel both grateful for and yet humbled by my excessive use of the medical system. The flurry of tests and appointments came on like a fast storm...I didn't see it coming and it hit hard.  I should have, in hindsight realized that when we said (in July) let's give it the summer and decide in the fall that deciding would mean a lot more than just one visit with my oncologist. 

I think what also made it so exhausting was the decision making.  Decision making has always been hard for me, a source of a lot of stress and sleeplessness.  I have been on a fact gathering mission, striving to ensure I have not overlooked any possibility for treatment options.  Then pooling all the information together and deciding, which we did last Thursday, the 12th.  Now that we have decided on a treatment plan and I have a clear course of action for the next few months I feel my shoulders relaxing and me letting go of all the tension I was holding in my body.  I am sitting outside this morning, watching the sun rise, and am reminded that each morning is a gift.  The gift of a fresh start, a new day.  I close my eyes and feel the sun shinning on me...I breath deep...breathe in hope, breath out  the old.  Let go, begin new.  I feel calm now, peace in trusting that God has this, I only need step out into the new day  he has given me. 


My thinking place by the river

Medically speaking I have 2 new tumors, they are not large but they sit in a tricky place - one at the head of my pancreas, tucked in behind the duodenum and one is hugging my aorta.  Good news is they are slow growing.  My options were:  surgery with the risk of losing half the pancreas and duodenum, radiation with a high risk of permanently damaging my bowel, or chemotherapy to control but not eradicate the tumors.  This is where I am practicing the art of letting go.  I have always gone for the maximum treatment, as is my nature to go for it all.   I am a charger in life, I take it by the horns.  The river trips taught me a lot about letting go. Holding life with soft hands, not clenched fists.  If I am clenching my fists around something, it hurts a lot when it's being taken from me but if my hands are soft, things can be taken away easily, but also....very important...new things can come in.  Fluid strength.  Fierce grace.  Perhaps the grace should be upper case right now.  Fierce GRACE.  Letting go.  So something new can come in. 

We choose the gentle chemo, it's called V16.   I will take a pill, it's easy, no trips to hospitals, minimal side effects, no down time in life.  The goal is the chemo pill will keep the tumors stable, prevent more growth.  Literally, this is an option I can live with.  And live well.  There is potential it can keep the tumors stable for a year or two.  When it stops working we can still look at the riskier options. 

The last 48 hours have been a time of reconciliation within me, perhaps that is why there have been no words in my head.  A good friend sat and talked with me recently and she helped me more than she probably knows.  She heard my words, she was honest about what she saw in me, both past and now.  My husband has walked every step of this journey beside me.  My children have all become strong yet gentle and wise people through this journey.  I am blessed.

Change - noticing how change feels

I've been thinking a lot about changes in my life, noticing how I react to change and how many feelings are triggered because of change.  This summer it has felt like there were a lot of changes in my life.  Some I knew were coming, such as the one I am fully experiencing for the first time this morning - there are now only 3 people living in our house.  Paula was married in June and Kaitlyn went to University yesterday.  The girls were early risers, and often in morning they would be gathered with me in the kitchen for an early morning coffee and chat.  Not today. Today starts the different, quieter mornings...as my guys like to sleep in and they are not all that chatty when they do awake.  It's not bad, in fact it is very good for a multitude of reasons...but at the same time it's difficult and amongst all the happiness I am feeling about these changes there are some sad spots. 

Change associated with health care...that I have been really noticing this past week.  How quickly a day can change and how it makes me feel, the phases and variety of emotions that go with change.  Last week I had a consultation booked with my radiation oncologist, to look at the recent CT scan and see if there was any possibility of radiation treatment for the tumors.  The day started out fun, traveling by train with my sister to Montreal as we had so much to catch up on that we talked the entire trip, non-stop actually and time flew by.  Arriving at the hospital in good time, I was checked in and ready to see the doctor as 12:45...perfect.  I felt so prepared, with my scans, past radiation reports, questions written down...ready to meet the doctor and discuss my options.  Boom...change.  2 hours later the doctor still has not seen me.  Why does not matter to my story, but trust me, at the time I sure wondered that a lot!  I had to make a decision...because the train home left at 4pm.   So quickly we had to think of as many options as we could, and decide on our next steps.  I opted to leave my information with his secretary, along with a note so the doctor could review and hopefully phone me.  But it was so stressful!!!  and I kept questioning myself.  Should I do this, should I have done that?  As we made our way out of the hospital, through the subway  and onto the train I noticed my range of emotions.  Denial as the clocked ticked away in the waiting room...no, this is not happening, he will call me into his office any minute now, there is still time for the consultation.  The calm discussing of what to do with the secretary...me saying oh it's okay, it will work out.  Walking away from the hospital and that appointment that felt like it had cost so much to get to (in time away, planning and money) in a calm surreal state.  All through the subway I questioned myself...why didn't I be more forceful at the hospital, should I have stayed overnight...all should have, could have thoughts.  By the time I got to the train I was getting really angry at the doctor.  Then sitting on the train I felt like crying, just so let down and deflated.  During the ride home I moved into what I think of as buffer time...I just let it rest, not actively think about it, let it go for a while. 

What actually happened is the doctor did look at my information the next day, phoned and left me a message saying a couple more tests were needed before he could determine my radiation options and he would have those booked for me.   These tests resulted in more change that I struggled with.  First was the call to go for a PET scan, which meant a full day away Tuesday.  The same as the changes with my daughters recently, this change would result in something I wanted to happen but it was still hard adapting.  This was the day we had planned to celebrate my daughter's birthday with a camping trip, but we had to change.  This makes me mad about cancer, that it gets to play the trump card in life.  Everything else has to change to accommodate the cancer card.  I do know that there is always choice, but to be honest, this is how I was feeling at the time.  Kaitlyn had an awesome attitude about the appointment, and opted to cancel the camping and instead travel to Montreal to the appointment with me.  We turned it into a good day, and it makes me happy when my kids show me they have developed the ability to alter plans and turn things around so it's a positive. 

Wednesday was a tough day.  I was tired from not sleeping well, the travelling and testing and I was behind at work.  And now I find I have another test to go for, the next day in Montreal again.  I was honest and open with those around me...I let them know I was struggling.  And they helped me.  Had of I tried to handle it all on my own, hide the struggles and put on a brave front I probably would have ended up really stressed inside, and cranky on the outside.  Instead the day got much better.  Folks at work stepped up to assist me, and then my daughter Paula called with a wonderful surprise...she had gotten the day off work and would go to Montreal to the test with me.  This changed everything.   The day ended up being awesome, giving Paula and I time together. 

This is not a deeply reflective blog, more an observance.  Reading back over it, I don't like the sound of myself.  Where is my gratitude in all this?  I was surprised at the range of emotions I experienced when faced with change. Things change, all the time.  Sometimes we see the change coming and sometimes it a surprise.  Sometimes its a small ripple and sometimes its a huge wave.  But always, there is change.  Like a flowing river, life is always moving, adapting, changing course - fluid.  That is the secret I suppose, to stay fluid.  Every moment, every "thing", it's something we are going thru.  And there is the key word...thru.  We are always going thru.  We don't stay stuck in any one situation.  Like the river, our strength comes from being fluid.  Fluid strength. 

ps...here's where I am at in my cancer journey details:
- June Ct scan shows 3 small tumors are growing
- next step is information gathering - consult with radiation oncologist and surgeon, get their opinions
- more information from tests - PET scan, renal function test, another CT scan
- make a decision - take all gathered information to consult with oncologist in Montreal, review, assess and decide on a treatment plan

Funny, in writing this I already see how I am relying on the planning to give me a sense of control.  I don't think this is wrong, it seems necessary and practical to plan these steps out but in reflection I will endeavour to remain more fluid about changes that may happen.

Change;  how it makes me feel, what I do when I see it coming, how I react when is happens suddenly, watching myself experience change - interesting.  Thought provoking. 

Adding on a couple of days later....
Interesting how things pop up when you need them...I was looking for this a few days ago when I was feeling overwhelmed by the changes in my life recently...and today I found it when cleaning up my old emails. Give it a listen if you like.  I am not a Buddhist, but I was able to appreciate much of what she says about change and permanence. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIo13Lqc4Rg