My father was awake at 4am, knocking on my brothers door for his early swim. On any other Tuesday or Thursday I would naturally wake up from the knocking but continue sleeping after they leave the house. Today was different.
Today I had to wake up and go into my parents room. I tried to sleep but it was too difficult. So rather I sit in our kitchen where I can listen closely in case my mom calls out. My mom has a very small voice now.
A few weeks ago my mother gave up treatment, the only other chemo on the list would have been extremely aggressive on her already weak body and the chance of results was so minimal. As a family we agreed that this was the end of my moms fighting. It seems like the minute she agreed that her body can give up now, it did. The tumors grew rapidly and she lost a lot of weight. My mother looked sick with cancer for the first time in all of her 14 years of fighting.
Things progressed much more rapidly than anyone guessed, it just goes to show that my moms will power was stronger than the cancer. The minute she said okay, we got to see what the cancer was really made of. But up until now she said no, and I do believe that if she wanted to keep fighting she could still be with us. She is just that strong.
At this point, my mom is still living with us here on earth. But her journey here is ending rapidly and her journey with God is just beginning. My mom has always had God in her heart, and has stayed true to her faith. She has never doubted Gods plan for her, even with all of the hardships he has given our family.
In the past couple of weeks I have been home, studying for exams in between nurses visits. I have the choice to defer them, but I honestly think my mother would have told me to finish them no matter what. The thought that my schooling would be affected by her would be more hurtful to her than any part of the dying process. So I push through for this reason.
Throughout this process, there are many things that I am thankful for.
- that the process is happening quickly, my mother would not want to live like this for long
- that my family is as close as we are
- that my father has more compassion in his heart than anyone I have ever met
- and finally, that my mother was the most amazing woman I have ever known
If you haven't noticed, in a lot of the blog I talk about my mom in past tense. This is because we try to keep her 'comfortable' meaning that most of the time she is not my mom anymore. And I am glad, because my mom would not want me to see her like this. Nor would she want me taking care of her. So I try to separate my mom from the mom laying in the room next to me. Its easier that way, and I hope that the memories from these past couple of weeks leave me so that I can remember my mom the way she would want to be remembered.
For all those that read my moms blog, I thank you. She has had such an amazing journey, and the impact that she has had on people... it is incredible. I may keep posting on the blog from time to time, I may not want to look at it ever again. But I know I will for sure leave it up for anyone in the future who is looking to relate to someone who has Sarcoma cancer. Even though my moms story doesn't end with a miraculous cure, take comfort that my mom lived a full life. She was just crazy enough to live it in a shorter time span than most.
If you are one of those people that would like to contact my mom, or stop by the house. I ask that you please don't. We have progressed too rapidly for visitors and would like to keep the house a quiet place. When the time has come that we are ready to celebrate my mothers life, I will let you know how we would like you to do so. For now I ask that you put her name in your prayers, and that you live with the fierce grace that my mother has.
These are just a few pictures I found in my mothers computer that made me smile. :)
