So much to share.......it will come out as chapters over the next few days in some sort of order (I hope).
my Facebook Birthday Post Dec 10, 2013
I have been given many, many gifts in my life. I am a very blessed person. Recently I learned about counting gifts...counting the gifts God has given me day to day. This in itself has become an awesome gift...this "counting of gifts". This morning, on my 45th birthday, I awoke and it was one of those awesome awakenings when your mind is immediately alert. I started counting gifts.....
1) the weight of my body on the soft mattress
2) the presence of my husband next to me
3) the warmth of my blankets
4) the knowledge my children were all sleeping in comfortable, safe places
5) my body does not hurt anywhere at this moment
6) my body will have strength to rise out of bed
7) this is my tenth birthday celebration since being diagnosed with cancer
My heart feels peace, my body feels comfortable, my family surrounds me, my God loves me and I have been given yet another day to play in this awesome playground he created for me. Life is good!
To the Hospital
Just before my birthday I had a "medical event". Sticky gut got bad, really bad. It started out Friday Nov 29 in the afternoon as pain in the center of my stomach. I finished up a bit early at work and headed home where I crawled under the blankets on the couch. All plans had to be cancelled, which frustrated me. Tanner came home from school and this makes me proud and breaks my heart at the same time...he recognizes I am sick and he knows what to do. He asks if I need a drink of tea, or a blanket? He hangs out in the same room as I am in, he reads or plays a game but he stays close. When I vomit he does not flee the room..he is the only family member who can hang in for that! Again, he asks if I need anything; a cold cloth, a glass of water. Family comes home. They go about their evenings, a little bit around me and a little bit on their own. A blend, keeping me involved in life but letting me do what I need to do and not asking anything of me. Everyone goes to bed and I stay on the couch. But as night came on I realized this time it was different. The pain was intense! not much compares to labour pains but this did. To be medically specific in case you want to know..nothing was moving in my gut at all (vomiting brought up nothing, it was like a trap door was shut at the top of my stomach and nothing was moving down either). At 2am I woke Mike up with those dreaded words "I need to go to the hospital".
Quinte Healthcare - Belleville General Hospital now has an amazing emergency department and I have only good things to say about the care I received there. I was seen in triage and immediately escorted to a room within ER. I had the good fortune to be seen first by Dr. Istead, who has seen me on most of my trips to ER so gratefully, I did not need to explain much. IV fluids, pain medication and a chill pill were the first order of business. Oh, so grateful. Blockage within my bowel was certain but how bad was it? I was taken to Trenton for a CT scan (Belleville CT was not available). Awesome care. I was bundled up and accompanied by an ER nurse to Trenton, taken by Emergency Transport. I was so grateful for that nurse, who stayed with me the whole time, as I could not speak for myself. Between the pain and the medications I was fairly incoherent. Even now, the events of the night are all mixed up in my mind. Back in Belleville the scan was reviewed and a full blockage was evident. I was then introduced to something new - an NG Tube. When the nurse tells you something is not going to be pleasant you know you are in for a real treat. The insertion of the NG tube was shocking and I will admit - awful. However, it also was the key to relieving the pain. You can google the details but a Nasal Gastric tube goes up your nose, down your throat and into your stomach. Then gentle suction will take the gas and fluids out. It hurts going up your nose, it makes you gag down your throat but oh, the relief! I am sharing some pics because this blog is all about honest sharing. At this point I was feeling pretty low. I hurt, I was tired, I was thirsty and I was fearful. However, my family rallied around me and got me through. My sister showed up at the hospital and stayed with me through all the ugly stuff. My husband is a rock, doing what needs to be done and never letting me down. My kids all stayed in touch. Surgery seemed eminent and BGH knew I needed to be in Kingston for that...so bundled up, along with my nurse and off to another emergency room. Kingston General emergency was chaotic and I was grateful for my nurse who took me through all of it and didn't leave until I was safely settled in a bed in a quiet space within the ER. I was admitted, and moved to a bed - I ended up on the orthopedic floor so it was quiet..my room mate was a sweet elderly woman who had fallen. Me, I had my NG tube. Now something to know about an NG tube...it whistles all the time, out a tube that sits next to your ear. Between the whistling and the constant pressure of the tube in my nasal passage I had a pounding headache. But I started to improve. My body was healing itself of the bowel obstruction and with the NG tube relieving the pressure in my stomach I was feeling much better. By Monday I was able to eat a bit, have the tube removed and get walking the halls. Tuesday I went home. Actually what the report says is "Ms. Bell left hospital on Dec 2 without being assessed for discharge." Yep! I left without being discharged. But not in a bad way...I talked with the nurses at length and they agreed I was doing very well. The problem was the surgeon who admitted me was extremely busy in ER and was not available to come assess and discharge me. I really wanted to go home, eat my own food and sleep in my own bed.
To be honest, sticky gut is not what the doctors call this condition :) these are bowel blockages, caused by the distress to my body from past surgeries. Scar tissue is sticky and stringy and it winds around my bowels. The mesentery wall is badly damaged. My doctors are not surprised; it was to be expected and simply is a side effect of multiple surgeries.
Here is the Magic
The thing that medical care could not do for me but God did. Grace. Fierce grace. Yet another chance to realize the gifts in my life. Recently a friend introduced me to the teaching of Ann Voskamp through her book One Thousand Gifts. I had thought of myself as a grateful person but this book opened my eyes to a whole new level of gratitude. I won't begin to try and tell you what the book teaches, I encourage you to read it for yourself but I will tell you it has given me an altered perspective on everything. I makes lists all the time now, lists in my mind, lists spoken out loud, lists written in a journal...lists of gifts in my life. Small gifts. Large gifts. See the gifts. Feel the gifts. Recognize the gifts. Acknowledge the gifts. Gods fierce grace in my life. Give thanks, receive joy.
In the hospital I found myself listing gifts. Like a ticker tape in my head....Mike's hand holding mine as we walked into the hospital, always strong, always with me....not having to wait in triage....ice chips on my parched throat, cool and soothing.... I find it hard to pray in these crisis moments. I think I am afraid I will ask God for something, something that is not meant for me and it won't be mine. My fear is feeling disappointed in God. But listing gifts connects me with God. I know he is there with me, that he holds me in his hands, I know this because I count his gifts....honest nurses who tell you when something is going to hurt....my sister showing up in my emergency room like she always does....the doctor who remembered my case from before.... Life can feel dark in the hospital and time can pass very slowly. Counting gifts fills the space with goodness. I was transferred from emergency to a room in the middle of the night. Time was mixed up, I was exhausted but not sleepy. I believed surgery was imminent, waiting on doctors who were discussing my case. Listing, the ticker tape running....the nurse who settled me into bed, getting warm blankets for my chilled body and tucking them in all the way around me...a male nurse who surprisingly knew exactly how to tuck blankets around you and right up to my chin...oh the comfort.... As I improved the list continued....the nurse who listened to my frustrations with the resident visit....who agreed I was ready to have the ng tube out and made it happen...hot shower and fresh gown....family taking care of family at home.... And then I was back home. I wrote down what I could remember of the listing but it does not matter so much that I have it in writing as that I counted the gifts at the time. Taking time for thinking, settling in, absorbing, letting go. Most of all, the gift of knowing giving thanks brings more grace.
Some hospital stay photos...
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| Emergency room, NG tube in, lots of pain, lots of drugs |
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| 2 days later, tube just removed, feeling much better |
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| first meal....liquid, liquid and yes, more liquid |
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| Definitely feeling better, playing around with how to fashionably wear a hospital gown. I like this look - pant to cover my but so I can walk the halls for exercise. |
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| first solid meal, ick! need to get home |
