Being honest about a tough time

 I continue to write this blog because of what I learned on a Survive and Thrive Expedition spending 8 days with an amazing group of people who shared the common experience of cancer.  I learned that when we share our story in an open and honest way we can help someone else in their journey.  And we also can help ourselves. I wrote this blog three months ago,but did not post it.  It is like opening my heart red raw and bare and I am afraid, but I feel strongly compelled to share it now.  It is a part of my journey, and if it's a part of my journey it may also be a part of yours.  And maybe God wants me to tell you it's okay.  

This blog is never to give advice, it is only to share my journey so that you may take from it what is good for you.  Do not fear for me.  I have healed a lot since I wrote this.  A few days after I wrote this I shared it with someone close to me, someone I trusted and felt could bear hearing my words.  And I sought professional counselling.  And I gave myself time and gentleness.  

"When you come to the end of yourself, that's where something else can begin."  Kara Tippetts

I wrote this Oct 15, 2015.  I no longer feel bent so low but I want you to know it has turned out to be an amazing place to go from.  It constantly amazes me how the complex paths in life can open our eyes to the amazing and wonderful.  It's like light that was always there but we did not realize it. 

so here goes......direct copy and paste from my journal...

I need to talk about what I’ve been going thru but it’s hard, it’s more personal than anything I have shared out loud before ever.  Much has happened and I want to catch up my blogging.  The short story is I became very sick over the summer, spent the month of July in the hospital, and then August and September recovering at home.  I am still in recovery mode I recognize now, but it’s a complex recovery, not just muscle and skin.  I will write about the summer hospital experience in another blog, with lots of medical details to share.  But today, today I must write about my heart and mind and this place I have never been before.  It’s hard, because it’s things I have kept so deep within myself.  Some who know me well and love me strongly have seen a glimpse of it in my eyes I think.  And I am only writing of it now because through this I struggled to feel God, I felt I could not hear him and I was lost.  But his grace broke through my barriers, he found me and loved me.  And now I should share because the telling of my story may help someone else.

I’ve lost my place in the world.  I used to feel confident in my positions…wife, mom, business partner, volunteer…I contributed, I did things, I moved ahead, accomplished, and people counted on me.  I now feel inadequate.  It’s a short sentence and just one word, but to just speak it in my head brings tears to my eyes.  Inadequate.  Feeling inadequate has pulled the foundation out from under me. 

Yes, part of it is not being able to perform as I used to.  I am not a powerhouse at work anymore, I don’t think I could pull off even a family dinner or if I did it would take me a whole week to do it.  Things don’t rapid fire in my brain anymore.  Women do this…we are like zing zing all over our brains with thoughts and I don’t have that now.  I think, but of one thing at a time and often I lose the thought before I can bring it up.  My world is lists and reminders of what I want to get done or else I would simply forget day to day.  Physically things are different, and I don’t understand my body.  Sometimes it feels strong and able.  Often I am short of breath, lacking muscle strength and worst of all just plain tired.  Sleep eludes me. 

But the real struggle is deeper than muscles and brain cells.  At times a sadness just wells up in me, like a bubble that starts at the base of my ribcage, forces it way up the center of my chest, into my throat and finally the pressure leaks from my eyes and exhales thru my mouth.  I hang my head and question “what, what do I do now?”  And there is no answer.  Just a hollowness.  What is this?

What is this?  It could be stress, my way of processing the trauma my body went through over the summer.  It could be change; that my life is changing and I am not good with change that I don’t direct.  It could be that I am not sure of my direction in life, that this will take time to sort out. 

I’ve lost connection with people.  Some very close to me and this hurts the very most.  It’s a deep knife in the gut when I think on it.  How do I find the connection again; feel close and comfortable, with purpose, bringing something to the relationship?  How do I not feel inadequate? 

I have been given so much through these past 4 months.  Given so much love, care, thoughts and prayers from those around me.  And yet, I don’t know what I have to give back.  It’s not enough to just be present in their world…for me it’s not enough…how do I find my way back to fullness?

What am I missing in my seeking?  Is it time and patience?  Is it something more than that?  Am I seeking the wrong things?  Am I letting life stuff (work, bills, houses, etc) take over who I am?

There are days that feel very deep…sinking deep into something that I can’t pull out of.  I know it’s a place that is wrong for me. 

But this week, after one of the hardest days, a vivid rainbow appeared in the sky, and later I saw one of the most brilliant sunsets ever.   And I felt God again.  I felt that his love has always been there, I just lost my ability to accept it.

There is a massive lesson in all of this that I am in the process of learning.  I’m at the awful part, where I don’t have a clue.  I’ve just assembled the parts of the problem, and maybe not even that is done yet.  Usually I write once I have sorted it out, but this time I am sharing at this stage (sorry, not true, I did not share til now that I have moved on from this place in my journey, this written today Jan 16).   It’s not pretty.  It’s not uplifting nor inspiring.  It’s just honest. 

Do not fear for me.  Do not feel you need to lift my spirits or cheer me up.  Just walk alongside me.  Be honest.  Be real.  Most of all be kind to each other. 

much love,

Teresa