Eribulin, Anxiety and the Bucket List

Do I ever write a blog post in the evening?  Once again, it's 6;30am and I am sitting feeling the morning air coming through the window as I open my keyboard and feel ready to send the thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart down through my fingertips to the keyboard.

This morning is Day 8 of my first cycle of Eribulin.  It's a brand new chemo, freshly approved in clinical trail and by the FDA for Sarcoma and available to me after a lot of advocating on my behalf by doctors for a compassionate grant from the drug maker.  Eribulin is not a new type of treatment, it's just another type of chemo.  Our hope is that it will slow, stop or even shrink the tumor growth.  Since March my tumors have taken on a whole new pace of growth, rapid and unpleasant to be honest.  I pray my body can withstand the treatment.  My biggest concern is my Hemoglobin count (red blood cell) which has been struggling for months now.  My doctors of course have many concerns, infection been high on their list. We will just have to take it one week at a time.  There is definitely possibility that my body handles it just fine and the tumors get the sh*t kicked out of them for a while.  I am grateful to be starting treatment; we have been working towards this for months now and setbacks kept happening, and there is potential (that beautiful thing called hope) for relief from tumor growth.

Being honest with you, a new struggle is anxiety.  Naturally, we all have moments of anxiety, for good and bad reasons.  But the last two months I have felt it a lot more.  The tension in my rib cage, the sweating, racing heart and feeling of being overwhelmed and incapable.  I wake up and realize I must have been dreaming because I am all tense.  Sometimes I wake up and remember what I was dreaming and it's not nice.  I am working on ways to counteract this anxiety - reading books about relaxation techniques, listening to music, reaching out to talk to family and friends.  Yesterday I met with a Social Worker and that is going to be helpful going forward too.  Talking with the social worker yesterday, one point I realized is that over the last two months I have had to be extra vigilant monitoring my body for changes that may indicate reasons to seek medical attention.  This was for good reason, there have been quite a few hurdles with kidney distress, edema and fevers.  However this has also trained me to be super aware of my body, any changes in feelings and many of those changes resulted in going to emergency and hospital admittance.  So now I need to undo a bit of that.  Of course, being aware of my body is still very important and I must continue that.  But I also need to teach myself and practice the art of being aware, mindful, present and ...the big and ... being able to ground myself, relax, and assess the situation with better perspective.  Breath, I must remember to first breath :)  This is not to cause you to panic for me or start sending me tips on relaxation techniques and articles about essential oils and herbal teas :)  I am sharing these feelings because I bet I am not the only one.  Last year I would have told you anxiety never crept up on me, but right now it's a different story.  Just goes to prove nothing stays the same.

The bucket list.  It's talked about a lot in life, especially when you are faced with a crisis or situation that you feel threatened in.  A movie made it famous.  I have always had a bucket list...it has gone by different names through the years...goal list, dreams, thoughts.  It has been written in journals, on scraps of paper, kept private, posted by my bed.  I think it's a wonderful thing and I hope everyone has one of some sort.  People ask me sometimes, even doctors will ask...do you have anything on your bucket list?  Yes, I do.  There is one big item on my bucket list.  It's not a trip, it's not a destination and it's not something money alone can buy.  I am so blessed, so grateful, so appreciative and I feel so loved because my bucket list item is coming to fruition because many people are helping to make it happen.  This grand item is a barn...yes, a physical structure...a barn right there beside our house.  A barn I helped plan.  A barn that already is my happy place.  A barn where I have my horse, a few chickens and some sheep.  The barn has always been my happy place - as a child, as an adult.  The beautiful thing that I see happening right before my eyes this summer is the building of this barn, and it keeps my dreams alive.  I can't build a barn on my own, in fact, I am of very little help in the process.  But no one points that out.  My family just keeps working away at it, and I know it's all done in love.  Much, much love - how did I ever become so blessed?  And it's everyone...some are lifting boards and pounding nails, others go to pick up building supplies, or bring us a snack while we are working, sweep the floor or simply stop by to check on progress.  No one has every said "this is silly, all this work and money on a barn, and really Teresa, how much are you going to use it?".  Nope, they all just keep on building the barn and building my dream.  I wish I could tell you, and the words fail me, just how loved and blessed I feel.  I am one of the luckiest people in the world.  God loves me.  My family loves and supports me in more ways than I can count.  Friends stick with us, check in, come over, lend a hand, send a word or card of support.  Life today is not a life I ever pictured for myself.  Life today is very good, and now I am going to go out to the barn :)

With much love, hope and gratitude,
Teresa