When I first felt the pressure of my cancer diagnosis I thought of all the things I wanted to teach them, tell them, impress upon them. But with time, that changed. They will develop into adults just fine with or without me. Now I want to share the real me with them...who I really am, with all my faults and quirks.
Earlier in my cancer journey I thought thought about all the things I needed to teach my children. I worried had not taught them enough about cooking, or growing food, or budgeting. I had not taken them to church enough, read bedtime bible stories. I had not told them enough of their family history. How could I make up for all this in the time I had left? I worried about the things I might not be here to help them through; schooling, weddings, babies, first homes, job loss, fights with their spouse, illness...oh the list went on and on in my head. How could I make up for this? And then God put in the lives of my daughter friends whom had lost their mothers and I could see that although they miss their moms, all these things I was worrying about he had taken care of in other ways. And then a read a book by a mom with terminal cancer and she spoke so wisely of the community of women that she knew would surround her children when she was gone. And not just for a week or a month, but women who would walk alongside her children through all stages of life. Aunts, sisters, grandmas, cousins, mother-in-laws, friends, co-workers - they will be there along the way. It will be okay. God has this. He knows what to do.
Once I let go of all these anxieties, I was able to uncover the true sadness I felt about living with cancer. Here it is - I am sad about the things I will miss. I cry a little inside every time I say it to myself. But, here is the big thing - all my stress and anxieties were blocking this truth and the beauty of this knowing this truth is that over this I have control and choice. So I made a choice and I strive to remind myself to live by this choice everyday.
This is what I choose: I will delight in the moments of my children's lives. I will delight in being here to see them become their own unique selves. I will delight in being able to comfort them, or at least sit beside them, in the hard moments. I will delight in celebrating their accomplishments with them. I am grateful for the simple gift of being present in their lives.
..."moments of being", those times when life becomes so concentrated that an individual moment seems to exist forever. ~ Virginia Woolf, Giving Voice to Sorrow
"When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here." ~ Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts
