“Giving in
is not the same as giving up. Giving
in is not weakness, in fact it takes a lot of strength.” Teresa Bell Facebook post Jan 2106
There was a
time many years ago that I remember writing in my journal “I will not accept
walls in my life. I will crash them
down, climb over them or dig under them.
Whatever it takes.” At the time I
was in the hospital for a week of IV antibiotics treating a system infection
brought on by my PICC.
I would no longer
write this of myself. So where am I now? Somewhere different but it’s a good place.
Since 2003 I
have seen a lot of cancer doctors, been to a lot of hospitals, had a lot of
chemo and related drugs, surgery, radiation, have logged a lot of miles for
medical care, and spent a lot of time, energy and money in the pursuit of
control of my cancer. The ripples of
this have been felt far and wide among my family, friends and work. Has it been worth it? ABSOLUTELY. My life has
been so rich; full of wonderfulness, love and joy and I am grateful for every
moment of it.
The doctors
tell me there currently is no other treatment options for me, nothing that in their
opinion will be of benefit. I have heard
this before but the difference is that at this time I concur. I don’t want to have surgery or take a drug
just for the sake of “doing something”.
I am okay with just letting things be for now. In fact, I am looking forward to some time
without a calendar full of medical appointments, side effects, not devoting
time and energy to cancer. I tried two
clinical trials in 2015, and at present there does not seem to be anything else
available in Canada that I qualify for. At one time I had thought of going to the US
for clinical trials. But now I feel the
toll it would take on myself and my family, along with the risks, is not worth
it. So instead of banging down medical
walls, I am going enjoy the view from this side. This view includes more time at home and with
family, more time for the things I enjoy, simplicity, quietness, more
predictability and choice.
It’s not
giving up; it’s choosing to enjoy the moment I am in.
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| Holly's first ice-cream cone |
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| Ice cream is fun at all ages when you eat it together |
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| Mike and I on date night |
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| out with my young man Tanner |
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| Fam time building house |
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| Fam time building barn |
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| the power of a woman with a new vacuum |
