The hard edges

Being at a seeking treatment phase of my disease means I am spending a lot of time thinking about the cancer that sits inside me.  Reading about research and clinical trials and trying to understand the science.  Asking opinions, reaching out, reading, reading, reading.  

But it also causes me to seek treatment for my heart.  To feed my soul, to find answers or at least some understanding.  I am seeking peace with this hard edge of life.  And there is good stuff.  Without this disease, without the ball of unwanted that sits in the core of my body, would I seek this nourishment for my soul?  Would this quest of enlightenment and understanding exist?  These past weeks I have sought to read the words of others; gain wisdom from their stories.  I have thought a lot about my heavenly Father.  I have looked back on my yesterdays and at my today with different perspectives.  And it enriches me.  How is that?  That this awful disease that lives within me, unwanted, brings about so much wanted change? 

I am reading the words of Kara Tippetts, in her book The Hardest Peace.  I thought the book would make me cry.  So far, it has not.  I read the book, I read her words, knowing that she passed away just a short time ago.  I am reading the words of someone coming to grips with her diagnosis, writing with stark honesty of her days living with a cancer she knew would end her days, knowing that has become her reality.  She is no longer here to tuck her children in at night, or to kiss her husband in the morning.  What this book does is give me new perspectives, an opportunity to grow myself.  I see what a mess I am, and that it’s okay.  I see the hard edges of my life and I realize that it’s in those hard edges that the best has come from. 

The hard edges are still very hard.  But my fear of them is lessening.  Those hard spots can become the sweetest spots, if we will allow it.  If I can open my hands to them.  In those hard places we see the most love.  We see the best in each other.  Being there with someone in their worst can open the door to so much of what we are seeking.   Even though we don’t want the worst and we spend a lot of energy avoiding the hard moments, it is those moments we avoid the most that bring us the most.  Or they can, if we open ourselves to it.  This is the space grace occupies.  Where the fabric of life is torn, and God’s light can shine through, it’s in the rips and tears that the grace is found. 

Thank you Father in Heaven, for your patience with me, for never giving up on me, for loving me always, for spoon feeding me the lessons I seek but then resist.  Thank you for the abundance you have poured over me.  I am so blessed.  Today Lord I ask you to help me see the beauty and possibility in the hard spots.  And even more, I pray for your help in sharing with others so that we may experience together your grace in those hard edges.  Thank you for the gift of your son Jesus.  You gave the hardest gift to save us.  I know I need to seek more understanding of Jesus, draw closer to him.  I see that in others and I know it’s still missing in me.  As you know Lord, I am kind of a mess, and yet, I know you love me despite it all.  Thank you for the grace you pour over me.   Your child always, Teresa.  Amen.