Treatment again...here we go...round 6

Like a boxing match...the bell rings and round six begins.

Oct, last fall, my CT scan showed a small tumor at my bladder area which we were sure was more sarcoma and a small nodule in my lung which they could not be sure what it was but potentially was my first metastasis. As my post "what do you say in a moment like this" reveals, this news was extremely difficult the time.  My doctor in Kingston felt these were slow growing and we could watch and wait...scan again in April.  However my Montreal doctor wanted the scan done at 3 months.

Jan 15, 2013 was the 3 month Ct scan and it showed good news from my point of view.  Good news is the 9mm lung nodule is now gone.  This is very good news indeed.  Good news is there are no new tumors.  I believe there are 3 forces at work in this...faith, fasting and good luck.  The bladder tumor did grow a bit more, from 3cm to 5cm.  After seeing the doctors in Montreal, their concern is the tumor will break through the bladder wall which would of course be serious trouble.  The tumor has to go and the treatment recommendation I again consider to be good news.  The possible treatment options were surgery, drug therapy or radiation.  The radiologist says he can radiate this tumor, which is the least invasive, lowest side effect option. I have had my lifetime limit of radiation to most of my abdomen but this tumor is below that field.  The possible side effects during treatment and two weeks after it are:  don't consume food rich in fiber, raw vegetables and fruit, wear loose clothing over the area, protect skin from sun, don't swim in salt water, frequent urination, mild diarrhea. Okay, lets do this!

Getting radiation markings done Jan 2013

 My plan...to take the train to Montreal and stay at the Canadian Cancer Society lodge while going for treatment daily at the Jewish General.  I went for my markings on Jan 23rd.  This is how it went...first I got a gown and had an iv put in my arm...standard stuff.  Then I lay on my back on the Ct table and a blue pillow filled with what seemed to be foam dots was placed under my feet and lower legs.  The air was then sucked out of the pillow, forcing it to mold around my feet and legs.  This I am told is a mold that I will fit my feet back into which will ensure I am placed in the same location on the table for radiation.  Then I got that lovely dye by iv (plus I drank some earlier) which makes me feel warm and nauseous.  I have found that chewing gum as the dye is going into my arm iv helps a lot. Using the Ct scan, laser beams are shone on my abdomen and the technicians mark out my tumor.  3 small tattoo dots are made, one middle of my low tummy and one on each side of my hip.  They tell me some calculations need to be done and then I will be called back to start radiation.

Feelin' good in the classic hospital gown :)

Life does not stop for cancer.  Sometimes cancer stops life plans though.  Right now something different is happening - my plans in life seem to be meshing with what cancer is requiring.  In March my husband and I are planning to join HaitiArise, a team bringing medical care to Haiti. This has been something in my heart I have wanted to do for many years. My nature is not to let anything hold me back from doing what is important to me and my drive is really strong.  But I recognize this mission and my health affect a lot of people and it's not just about what I want to do.  I have prayed on it.  I still am praying on it.  It feels right, what I am doing and the plans that we have made.  Potentially a lot of obstacles could be coming up and aside from the fact that I have a tumor and it needs treatment, everything else is falling into place so easily and perfectly that I feel strongly God is putting this path in front of me. Faith is taking the first step when you can't see the whole staircase.  ♥


It's important to have fun, everyday.  My sister went with me to Montreal on Jan 23rd for the markings and boy, did we have fun!  We packed an awful lot of stuff for a one day trip.  It could have been considered stressful, with the train being delayed going down and the risk of missing our train back home but we didn't let it feel like that.  We laughed, we a lot.  As silly as this is, here is a video clip of how to have fun on the train.  Keep lovin' life, every moment you can.  Thanks sis, love you, a lot.

Honoring medical days

Yesterday I went for a CT scan.  Today I begin the travel to Montreal to see my oncologist Dr. Kavan at the Jewish General in Montreal.  I can remember, way back (well, not so way back) when I would pack as much as I could around the test/appointment time and day.  I can clearly remember taking my lap top with me on a test day in Kingston and sitting in the waiting room entering stock definitions into the pricing software for work.  I look back on that memory now and all I can see is a gross mix-up in priorities.  I have changed my thinking since then.  Medical dates are important, I have always thought that.  But how to conduct myself around that date is also important.  It's a stressful time and even though I have become comfortable, used to and usually good at handling these days I recognize that there is a lot going on in my mind and body.  There is physical requirements of the test, such as taking the contrast dye, being hit with radiation from the machine, and the traveling.  And there is lots going on with my emotions and adrenaline.  Now I give myself a break on test days.  I make it a special day, to me it's respecting and honoring myself.  This is hard to put into words.  I guess if I were saying it in words out loud to myself it would go something like this...."today is an important day, you are going for a Ct scan.  Naturally you are going to be feeling anxious about the results of the test, wondering if the scan will confirm good or bad news.  I know the test makes you feel nauseous and upsets your digestive system, that afterwards you have a hard time not binge eating on treats.  To today I am giving you permission, not just permission but an order, to take it slow, do some things you enjoy today and don't think about anything other than being gentle with yourself". 

So today, instead of squeezing in an hour of work before I left I took that extra hour I had in Belleville to do some things I had been wanting to do, like go to TSC and try on overalls to find ones that fit me (gift from Mike from Christmas), have a wee visit with my sister (always fun), then I headed to Kingston and arrived early.  I parked down by the water and walked back to the hospital, poking my head into a couple of interesting shops along the way.  I went in for my test, got my magic drink (the contrast dye) and then went back to Princess street for a bit more exploring.  I returned to the hospital for my test time, chatted and smiled with the other patients and nurses.  After the test I met with my parents and we had dinner together.   Then I bought a coffee and 2 deserts (the after test binge eating that I still do on occasion, I have no idea why, but I do) and drove home listening to some great tunes on the radio.  Test day - a day to be enjoyed.  A gift from me to me.

I was looking for cartoons about waiting rooms and came across this one...it makes me laugh!  All the medical tests and strange body things start to seem normal on a cancer journey and this cartoon seemed to capture the essence of it.  Besides, it's really funny and you gotta laugh at yourself sometimes.  After abdominal surgery I always seem to spend a lot of time focusing on poo :)

Take one step, take one more, take one more....

Today I started back into running - got my butt outside and moved it!  Why today? when I have been meaning to get back into it for months now.  Well, I set a goal and signed up for a run on Mother's Day 2013, the 10K Run for Kids Cure.  Not only that, but we now have a whole team going so I am really committed.  The preparation seems daunting - 16 weeks of a training schedule to follow - 3 days per week.  But today I realized that I should start the same way I start anything that seems overwhelming - by taking one step.  Then one more.  Then another.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."  

 ~ Unknown ~ 

I then got to realizing this is how I get through all difficult things.  I focus on the steps.  Not the whole staircase.  If I look up to the top step is looks too far away, and the climb too steep but if I focus on the first few steps, on even just the next step if need be, then it's manageable.  I am doing that now with the diagnosis of my cancer being back.  The initial shock of the Ct scan results; the tumor by the bladder being detected and the possibility of lung spots has settled down.  I have my next steps and now it's manageable.  I don't know how it's all going to work out but I know I can take a few more steps.

The race belongs not only to the swift and the strong,  
but also to those who just keep running.
~ Unknown ~

I found this prayer on the Cancer Crusade website and it has become a purpose I have taken into my heart ... (http://www.thecancercrusade.com, which has been a source of encouragement, humor and information for me for many years now).

Dear God, help me find that place inside me where there are reserves of strength and courage I have yet to use, and lead me to share that strength and courage with others who are struggling
to find their own.
Amen 

On the Survive and Thrive Expedition this past summer, on the Owhyee river, one morning the group awoke an hour before dawn so we could hike up a seemingly huge mountain to watch the sun rise.  I know all of us were doubting we could make it to the top. It was a quiet group that early morning, as we took it one step at a time.  We reached the top and it was breathtaking, so worth it!  A lesson I aim to remember.  Here are pictures of us hiking up and enjoying the rewards of our efforts. 

Just take a step, have faith and take one more step.  Love, Teresa

Teresa & Mike, Owyhee River, top of the ridge, June 2012

Growing with cancer...the good changes.

Having cancer has done good in my life, much good.  I thought it was time to share some of this with you.  This will just be a snippet as life is so rich, so full of goodness, that I could never do it justice in one post.  But today this was on my mind.

There was a time when my life was at a pretty low point.  I am going to share a never before seen picture with you.  This was me, in January 2007, on holidays.  I am smiling but there was a lot of unhappy feelings locked inside me at that time.

Jan 2007, Low Point

 My body was unhealthy, as you can see I was overweight, I didn't exercise or eat well.  In fact I can remember eating chocolate bars daily.  It was stress eating.  It shocks me now to look at this picture.  My relationships with my husband and family were unhealthy as well.  My priorities were unhealthy.  I gave my time and energy to work, driven by my worry of our business not being successful, driven by a need to be all things to all people.  I lost focus on my faith or what my relationship with God meant to me.  I was troubled inside, eaten up by anxiety all the time, anxiety about what was not well in my life, but unable to change it.  I was at risk of losing the things that mattered most to me.

Then along came cancer back in my life.  The 2003 surgery was far from my mind, a situation I thought was taken care of and in the past.  But when I came home from this holiday there was a phone call waiting for me.  Kingston Cancer clinic calling to say I needed to come see the doctor.  My scans revealed more tumors.  You can check my previous blog for the details of this.  This was the wake up call.

After surgery my first change we my physical self.  I started exercising regularly and eating well.  The weight came off, the muscle built and I felt physically strong.  My husband and I had some very real, honest conversations and realized we could choose to be together or lose each other.  Once you are threatened with losing something (my life in this case) you quickly see what really matters.  We choose us.  It is the greatest thing in my life, "us".  All other changes took more time, and more cancer to be honest.  I was a hard case to crack.  God had to hit me on the head many times to get through to me but I am blessed for it.  He had to add a lot of heat to the fire to mold the clay of my life.

Today I am grateful for the many blessings and richness my life has become.  I have done things that are the example I want my kids to see.  This is my legacy.  I have reconnected with my faith.  My husband is the best thing in my life.  I appreciate and spend time with my family.  I have impacted the lives of others in a positive way.  I live life big, really big.  I love life.  Here is a pic taken last year when I achieved a goal, running a 10k race.  It was a goal I had set in 2010 but the chemotherapy made me wait a while.  It was something I wanted to prove to myself and it was also for a great cause, supporting Kids with Cancer.

At the finish of the 10km Run for Kids with Cancer marathon May 2010.

The experience of having cancer, as strange as this will sound, has been a tool in my life that has brought me to a very good place.  I am eternally grateful to the many wonderful people who have been a part of my journey; they taught me, they helped me, showed me, led me, cared for me.  Life is a beautiful thing.

Water Fasting

Happy New Year!  On the first day of 2013 I spent time reflecting on the many joys of 2012, what an amazing year with so many moments of laughter, accomplishment and love.  And looking ahead to 2013 already I have marked in my calendar many wondrous events and the year shines with hope and much joy.  I am so incredibly grateful for the many blessings in my life.  Thank you Lord for all you have given me.

Also on the January 1st I embarked on a new journey - water fasting.  I have been looking into it for some time, since it was first suggested to me by an Osteopath therapist.  More research, a nod of approval from my Homeopathy therapist and a consultation with an MD from France (whom I saw in Toronto, just in case you thought I had a trip to France worked in there) confirmed that this was something I felt would be good for me.

Two main reasons why I am water fasting, in my simple layman terms: 
1)  the ultimate in detoxing, cleaning out all my cells and resetting my system, rebooting my immune system and getting rid of all the nasty stuff I put into my body over the holidays (so much sugar, ugghh). 
2)  there is potential that by causing my body to reach deep into my tissues for energy supplies, I will be waking up and putting into action those deep seated fat cells that hang out in my abdomen, where my cancer grows, and kicking them into action may deter, halt and possibly reduce the cancer growth in them.

My program for Water Fasting:

(note, this is not a recommendation for others to follow, if you are thinking of a water fast please consult with your own qualified health care professionals).
*start with 3 days of liquids and soft foods to allow the digestive system to slow down.  I drank lots of teas, soups, pureed fruits and vegetables and yogurt.
*follow with 7 days of water only, drinking lots of distilled water only, nothing else.
*finish with 3 days of liquids and soft foods to get the digestive system up and running again, probiotics, yogurts, roquefort cheese, organic pureed fruits and vegetables and soups.

How it felt:

This is an incredibly interesting thing to do.  I would have never believed that going without eating, anything, for 6 days would be possible. I used to get stressed if I missed 2 meals in a row.  My healthcare professional friends assured me the human body was designed to go for times without food.  How right they are!  Observing how my body felt and reacted to the water fast was so interesting.

Day 1-3 on liquids and creams only - first of all I will admit that my holiday feasting had reached a peak and I was feeling quite ill from all the excess.  So the first day and a half of resting my digestive system was a welcome relief.  My body was thanking me.  By day 2 I was feeling so much better.  Sugar is definitely my bowels' enemy.  So this part of the program felt really good.  I made some delicious soup using homemade chicken broth, which was made from boiling one our our homegrown organic chicken carcasses leftover from Christmas dinner, with carrots, celery and onion, picking the good meat out of it, discarding the bones and icky bits (I can't stand those icky bits of chicken) and pureeing it all.  Then I steamed some broccoli and pureed that in as well.  Delicious soup.  

Here I need to mention that at the end of Day 3, which for me was New Year's Eve, there is a cleansing process that needs to be done.  Drinking a litre of salt water! icky.  It tasted terrible and brought back bad memeories of salt water and boats and wicked motion sickness.  But I drank it, rested and waited for my bowels to cleanse.  Strangely, when it was done, it felt like I had just given my insides a good rinsing out.  Through the night though I found myself waking up oh so thirsty...needing to drink a couple of glasses of water.

Day 4 - Jan 1st - first day of water only - I found warm/hot water much nicer to drink than cold.  I had hunger pains that day and the warm water seemed to soothe my stomach.  I think it is very much a case of mind of matter when it comes to not eating.  I was not really all that hungry, but my mind had to be decided very firmly that food was not passing by my lips.  There was a family New Year's day meal I sat through, watching the roast pork going past me, then the coffee and fruit salad...it did smell good!  But since I was an observer of the meal, not a partaker, I did begin to realize how much of our lives centers around food.  All the celebrating that day was based on food.  We do that an awful lot, use food to bring us together.
I got on the scale at the start of the day and was down 3 lbs since the morning of day 1, just for interests sake.  I think the salt water sucked all of the water out of my cells.  Today water was my friend.

Day 5 - more water - woke up in the morning with a headache and felt really groggy.  It took me about an hour, 2 mugs of hot water and a good warm shower to get me going.  But once I got myself started into a normal daily routine I found my body just kind of kicked into gear and seemed to decide it could move on without food or coffee.  I went to work and the day flowed quite normally.  That evening I was surprised at how tired I was.  At 7pm I knew I was not going to be up for long and by 8pm I was sound asleep.  It was one of the soundest sleeps I can remember. Oh, what a sleep...out like a log for 10 blissful hours.


Day 6 - again, water - woke up headache and groggy again.  And again, once I had a couple mugs of hot water, a hot shower and did chores I found myself moving along normally again.  The headache did linger for a couple of hours but I went to work and had a normal busy day.  I tested my PH this day and was shocked to see it was so acidic - it didn't even change the colour of the test strip - making me a 5.2.  I checked with my homeopathy friend and she said this was to be expected, as I was flushing out a lot of toxins and had not alkaline foods to counter balance it.  In the evening I felt achy over my kidneys and in the night I could swear my liver was aching.  Sleeping tonight was not as good, very wakeful and restless. 

Day 7 - more water, day 4 of water only.  Today I woke up clear headed.  My heart pounds when I first get up and I feel like I need to give my body time to adjust.  A little wobbly in the legs and my co-ordination feels off but all in all, I feel pretty darn normal.  Who knew this could happen!  I get to work and find my energy level is high and my co-workers comment on how good my colour looks.  I have forgotten to mention one side effect that has been with me the whole time I have been on water only - I feel the cold.  So now, I wear tights under my jeans, a turtleneck and hoodie and sometimes a scarf.  It's hard to keep warm enough.  I don't feel the urge to eat often, but I am so aware of the smells of other peoples foods.  I have a heightened sense of smell I think, smelling the spices within their food.  It is only when I smell someones food that I wish I too was eating.  Otherwise, I am surprisingly content with my water.  Tonight I am tired but sleep is not happening.  My legs are very achy, and I am restless, unable to sleep since midnight.  I was thinking a lot about food so I got up for a hot drink of water.  I made my son dinner tonight and it seems that handling food makes me want it.  Note to self - avoid cooking this weekend.  Now I am past the midpoint in the fast.  Only 3 more days to go.  According to the experts, the first 4 days of water fasting focus on de-toxing.  Now, on day 5 -7 my body will switch over to going to those deep seated tissues for energy and this is the sweet spot.  So I am now in the most beneficial stage.  This is the encouragement I need to keep it up.

Day 8 - 5th day of water only.  After a rough night, not sleeping and having unpleasant dreams, I was pleased to discover no headache today.  I had an osteopath massage booked for 9am and fortunately for me the therapist is only 2 minutes away from my home.  Sometimes God makes things that are good for us really accessible.   I was looking forward to the massage and wow, did it feel good!  The therapist was very pleased with how easy it was to work with my tissues and fascia.  She worked with spine and back, ankles, abdomen, and cranial massage - 2 hours of it.  I left feeling wonderful, so relaxed and soft inside.  It's hard to explain but my body just felt comfortable.  Today I feel great, good energy and clarity of thought.  Nice feeling.

Day 9 - water day #6.  Better sleep last night, Osteopath therapist was right about the cranial massage helping with the dreams.   Waking up now needs a bit more time, I sit up and let myself settle with that, drink some water and give my body time.  Then I get up, get another drink of hot water and everything starts to feel ready to go.  I am avoiding driving now as it's recommended I not drive at this stage of the fast, as my reaction time will be slow.  So, my daughter drove us to church and then we did grocery shopping afterwards.  I think it's because the end is in sight but today I am better about handling food.  I was able to pick out groceries, put them away at home, even make some eggs and oatmeal for the family.  Still feeling quite normal with my day to day activities.  The change I did notice is that I am not good at carrying weight now.  I carried the compost across the yard and the bucket sure got heavy, and it winded me.  I was able however to do chores no problem.  Just not carry weight.

Day 10 - last day of water - woohoo - 7th day of water only.  Woke up this morning at 6am, bright and ready to go! wow, I think my body is really getting to like this.  I have some pains in my abdomen which the thearpist told me is the organs moving within the fascia, which is a good thing. The day was a regular work day and I felt quite good at work.  I am so looking forward to taste tomorrow, not so much the eating, but the tasting. In the evening I work at preparing my food for tomorrow and this was hard, to handle and cook the food without tasting it.

Day 11 - I woke up about 2am and told myself sternly that I was fasting til 5am so go back to sleep, no snacking yet.  I awoke again at 5:30, feeling clear headed and ready to get up.  It really amazes me how well I feel.  It's been 7 days of no food, not a drop, not a crumb and I am feeling so good.  But I am ready for taste!  I start with a lemon hot water, my usual morning drink and it's very good.  Then I have a yogurt made, it's plain goat yogurt with cinnamon and pear puree I made the night before.  So tasty, it's like my taste buds are 300%.  I thought I had made a small serving but I find I can't finish it all.   Then an herbal tea to go.  My therapist and instructions all cautioned me to be gentle restarting my digestive system.  3 days of soups, purees, organic and clean food to start back.  And probiotics.  Lunch is a butternut squash soup I made the night before (organic squash, apple, orange, coconut milk, onion, pureed in the blender) and I stirred in a bit of roquefort cheese which was recommended for my gut enzymes.  Dinner was leek cauliflower soup (that my sister kindly made for me, thanks sis) and half a banana.  Oh, so delicious.  My energy level today was high and I had an overall feeling of wellness. 

Here is a picture of me today, after 7 days of fasting, drinking water only.  My tummy has a slight unusual  concaveness to it but I am sure a few days of food and that will fill right out.  I did lose some weight, 13lbs overall, but didn't develop that scrawny look I have gotten after surgeries.  Folks around me all agreed I looked very healthy.  Much healthier than I felt after a couple weeks of Christmas cookies and overeating.  The challenge of the fast, both mentally and the physically I really enjoyed.  I consider it a 100% success.

Jan 8, 2013, completing 7 day fast

Ct test Oct 15 - "What do you say in a moment like this?"

I have been writing this post in my head for 6 weeks now but could not settle into it comfortably until now.  There were some missing parts to the story which I didn't know until today.  Today it all clicked and I felt ready to write.

Today's topic is the Ct test results and the result of the results.  A Ct test is a type of imaging where a machine scans you and makes an image of your insides.  It always starts with drinking a clear liquid that tastes weird.  Then you need an iv for the dye injection and you are ready to scan.  Of course you can Google all the medical particulars if you care to.  Here's how it looks.....

Ct test at Hotel Dieu, Kingston, Oct 15, 1012

You don't get results at the test time, you have to go see your doctor.  I find it really, really stressful to sit in my doctor's office and wait for him to come in, open my chart and reveal the findings.  If the results are anything less than perfect I find I can't think then...the blood rushes to my ears and I can't ask any coherent questions...until I leave, have time to process the information and then I have a lot of questions.  My doctor and I have an agreement.  He will let me have my results by fax first, so I can read them in private and have time to think.  I promise him not to jump to conclusions until he and I get to talk.  The fax came on October 30, 2012.  The short form of the results were:  there is a small mass at my bladder, called a low density mass measuring 3.5x1.7x2cm and there is also a concern potentially with my lungs, with small 9mm pleural-based mass and also a tiny 3mm pleural based node, non specific but suspicious for metastatic disease.  Before you continue reading, I want to forewarn you I am going to share how this unfolded with me day by day.  Honestly.  I am nervous because I usually censor who gets to know what, this is my way of protecting the people I love.  But this project is about sharing, sharing it all, so this is how it went inside my world. 

That day I could not speak of it.  Sometimes you need to try it out on someone a little less close to you.  Does that make sense?  When something is going to be very hard to say I "practise" it on someone else first.   So I wrote an email to my cancer friend Janet, who lives in Saskatchewan.  I have never met Janet in person but we have been email friends since 2008 when we found each other on a rare cancer support group online. 

Dear Janet

You are the friend I write to when I don't know what to say to anyone else.  I am so grateful for you.  Yesterday I got the test results we never want to see.  Only three months after surgery there is an other cancer tumor growing in my belly.  But there is more...now it looks like it is metastasis to my lungs.  Not confirmed yet, but there are two suspicious nodes, one in each lung.  I have never had lung spots and with the momentum the cancer seems to be gaining I am pretty darn sure this is the tip of an iceberg.  I am at that disbelief, out of body stage where I am thinking about it but have not taken it inside.  Do you know what I mean.  I am just kind of circling around the information and just touching it with the fingertip of my emotions.  Yesterday I felt very sad.  This morning I find myself thinking about how I will help my family go one without me, what can I give them as tools to cope with the rest of their lives.  Tears are at the edges of my eyes but have not yet fallen.  I think it's because I am still holding this outside of me.  Not yet ready to let it in.  For the moment that is all I can say.

 For the next few days I just let the news sit with me.  I didn't force myself to make any decisions, or even consciously ponder it...I just let it be in me.  Somehow when I do this I start to find peace and then strength to cope.  How does this happen?  It think its grace, God's grace.  I turn my fears over to him, my weakness, my inability to cope and he helps me with it.  Fierce grace.  I noticed that for a couple of days I felt very sad.  Not angry, not depressed, not worried - sad.  I knew my close friends could see something was not right but I was not ready to talk about it yet, so I avoided them.  Didn't let them see me too closely.    About a week into it I knew it was time to talk to Mike.  This is the very hardest part always.  I absolutely hate having to tell Mike something that is going to hurt him.  The cruelest thing about my cancer journey has always been those moments when I see the pain cross Mike's face.  How does one do this?  How does one tell their life partner bad news?  Well, you just start.  I say I have something to talk about.  He glances over and says what?  I say sit down with me, it's important.  Now he gets more serious looking.  I sit close to him, because I need to touch him somehow...usually just with my leg on his leg. Holding hands would be too much.  And I start talking.  I can hear my voice, it's as gently and quiet as possible, trying to soften the words.  I can't remember exactly what he says but he pulls me closer, this I remember because it is exactly what I needed at that moment.  Because he has a choice, he could choose to push me away and protect himself from the hurt.  Even for just a moment.  But he does not.  And in this moment, in this way, he affirms that he will always be there with me.  And that is the best thing anyone can ever do for someone you love.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not

knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."  Henri J.M. Nouwen

I would like to tell the world "I have the best husband in the world" which I say for many reasons.  I just wanted it in writing.

The next hardest step is telling our children.  And my parents.  My sister already had it figured out and bless her, she let me get to talking about it in my own time.  If I could wave a magic wand and make anything magically better it would be this business of having to tell bad news to people you love. 

The next phase might be best shared with my next email to Janet.


I am so sorry I have not written to you since my initial panic filled email.  There has been a lot going on in my life but first of all I want to jump up and down with you with joy to say I feel great today.  Now, to back up a bit....

Cancer stuff - I have seen my doctor in Kingston and he put some perspective on the new growths.  They are slow, very slow growing.  And they are all in very operable locations.  So, his take is that when the time comes, and it could be 6 months to a year, the surgery to take these out will be possible and not too difficult.  This has allowed me to calm down and breathe again.  I have been very sick though.  Happy to say I am better now but I was sick for about 6 weeks and I did wonder if this was my new reality.  What happened is my digestive system got all messed up.  I had all this cramping and pain in my small intestines and bowel, really intense stuff.  Vomiting, inability to eat or even take liquids some days, I was dropping a pound or two a day in weight, I was quickly becoming a shell of myself.  Doctors were not helping much.  They said it was side effect of all the surgery and adhesions that form because of it.    It was up to me to solve the problem.  I found osteopath massage - have you ever heard of it!  wonderful stuff!  massage of the fascia...basically she massaged my insides to break down the adhesions and scar tissue and help my organs get back to where they needed to be.  Lot of enzymes and probiotics too.  I lots 20lbs over it, have gained back 5lbs now and am at a healthy weight.  My energy is back, my body feels strong, and I can eat again so now.  It was rough, scared me I will admit but now I can put it down to yet another learning experience.  

My next step is a second opinion with the doctor in Montreal which I go for this Thursday.

Your friendship means the world to me.  I read your reply to me over and over and gathered so much strength from it.  You knew just what to say.  You are the friend that knows how to just sit with me, hold my hand and feel the pain with me.  God Bless you.

Love
Teresa


My appointment with the doctor in Montreal (still not sure if it is considered correct or incorrect to blog the doctor's real names) helped settle me even further.  He also agrees that these new growths are small and seemingly slow growing.  And there are still good treatment options to consider when the time comes to act;  a radiation technique called stereotactic radiation, second line chemo drugs and surgery.   The plan is to do a Ct scan again in January and reassess the situation then.  I am comfortable with this plan.

I should have been able to blog after this appointment but there was one thing I had not take care of yet and it wasn't until today that I knew it was the missing link.  My dear friend Louise, who not only walks my cancer journey with me, but guides me.  Best explained by sharing the email from today.

Dear Louise

There is much I need to catch you up on.  I have held back sharing with you as I sensed your plate was very full and I was okay to handle things myself.  It's only because of you, and what you have taught me these past years, for which I am so grateful, that I felt okay to go it on my own for a bit.  ...explanation of test result and doctors opinion was here...finishing off with what I heard from the doctor in Montreal... He didn't feel it was a terrible turn of events, he made us very comfortable that my disease was still well under control.  It's a chronic disease he reminded us, one that we are still in control of and I am living a good life with.

Love Teresa

and Louise replied:

Dear Teresa,

The past few months of your 'quietness', regarding your health, gave me the sense that all was not well.

Even so, I told myself that you would let me know when you were ready.  Yesterday morning, after

reading your words, revealed to me that it was I who was not ready.  I had no words.

Sometimes, we hope against hope that all of this was not true.  Not for you, not for your Dad, not

for Bill and, certainly, not true for the little children of Sandy Hook Elementary School.

Life hurts us and makes us cry a thousand tears and then a thousand more.  But, we also know

great joy and sweetness ... sometimes, we just have to look for it.

That you have found your own joy and sweetness, as shown in your writings to me and to others

on ACOR (support group online), goes a long way to give meaning to living a life of 'truth'.

You are brave and an inspiration. I thank you for your choices ... and sharing those choices with 

those who may need to look at them, know them, and borrow them for ourselves.

Love,

Louise

I feel that this chapter of the story is complete and the next chapter is ready to begin.  An ending and a beginning.  More tests will need to be done, more decisions will need to be made.  More lessons have been learned.  Life is fluid, always flowing, like a river.  There are rocks in my river and at times the current is not so strong but it is always in motion.  The river my life is will find a way around (or over, or under) the rocks, it will gather strength, it will be fed more water, it will flow on.  And it is beautiful as it flows.
Fluid motion.  Fierce grace. 

our Owyhee river adventure, 2012, learning the river

Sharing our stories

"When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else." - Iyanla Vanzant

 “Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people’s souls.”  -  Melody Beattie

This evening I was given a gift; a reminder of the power of sharing your story and speaking from your heart.  I was asked to speak at an event celebrating International Day of the Volunteer. I have never been a keynote speaker before and to be honest was feeling quite overwhelmed by the responsbility.  However, when I arrived a couple of special ladies made a point of making me feel comfortable and competent.  I decided then and there not to think of it as a speech, but instead as just having a chat with some good friends.  I shared some of my story and as I looked into the eyes of those listening I realized yet again that we are all yearning to connect with each other.  And we connect when we share our stories.  

There is an amazing organization, the Liddy Shriver Foundation, that provides the best support in the way of information, resources and research in the world of Sarcoma cancer.  This organization is encouraging those touched by Sarcoma to share their story on the website.  I would encourage you to spend some time exploring their website www.SarcomaHelp.org  

Here is where my story resides:

 http://sarcomahelp.org/stories/liposarcoma-teresa.html

Stories being shared at Sarcoma Step and Fetch 2012